Saturday, May 19, 2007

My Head Hurts

     Growing up people always ask you, what do you want to be when you grow up? As a little kid the answer is easy, a cop, a farmer, a teacher, a this, a that, but now in my youth (almost a child, just with more complex emotions) I just cant seem to figure it out. The answer given cant be so simple, it has to be more just this, then die, and the end.
     My chameleon is dieing and I can’t help but feel at fault. The only problem is I thought I had it all right. Its aquarium is amazing with great scenery, places to hide, lots of water, crickets galore (I even fed the damn crickets). Then why is it dieing, unable to even open its eyes to the cruel world around him, and why does his upcoming fate make my hands tremble so?
     I see the connection with him and myself. We have it all good, the place, food, environment and even some buddies to keep us company, but then what ails us. In his attire the chameleon looks tough, ready for any upcoming cricket that might spring to his side, but his eyes lack the hunger. I comprehend his dilemma as much as I can comprehend mine. Is this what it means to be a parent, to blame yourself for the outcome a being you decided to take care of? His life (more like her life since she is a female) seems too dull and uninspiring yet at the same time so amazing to just be alive, doing what she does, survive. Is that enough with her or is that what is dragging her to eternal rest.
     Before life was so simple, back and white. Now as I venture on I can see that the road curves, combines, and eventually fades. I try to be the person I once was but I no longer know that guy, although his being still inside me and I am that man. It seems like tiring to preserve a part of me that wants to fade.
     Lately everything I write I hate and that which I don’t hate later I don’t understand. Am I tiring to look to deep to answers that are just unanswerable or have more than one answer? Faith, here is a good question. To have faith in anything or anybody can be devastating, finding out later that it was a sham would condemn all that you worked for. Then again Faith is powerful, it drives men to be better, to be honest, to believe and to try again. So would it be a waist to have faith and turn out you were complete wrong even though the outcome of it was good?
     Sex before was good at anytime or place and still my instincts drive me to lust and want. Then again having sex without any intimacy has always rendered me with a half satisfaction. My instincts are suffice but my mind thinks there should be more. Sex is just sex but nothing in life (to my knew understanding) is just what it is. Boo is just a dog, and at first glimpse a terrifying one, and to some people he will always be terrifying, but coming to understand him is to see his want for attention, passiveness, but like anybody he has his bitchy days.
Death, another big question and recently brought up by Woody Allen in his movie Annie Hall, which yes I did enjoy last night. Can the universe run such a complicated cores and bring so much pain, affliction, love, and happiness for it just to be over so simple. Maybe that is the reason why people cling so much to their hope, faith, in religion, seeming almost more logical, with its complexities, than just “The End”. Maybe my mind can’t come to understand nothing, being that I have never seen it, felt it, or even heard of it.
     In a world where nothing is what is seems and you think one way one day and change completely the next, how do you make what is what? I hated broccoli as a child now I love it, or you see that movie that you loved when you were a child and now it seems so dull and stupid. I guess the question in my head is, what the fuck? I know there is no right answer but that’s the question I am struggling to answer about life in general, what the fuck?

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

The other day I was watching a documentary about Alejandro Jodorowsky. They asked him, "Who are you?" and he said, "You cease to exist when you say, 'That's what I am.' As soon as I can define myself, I am dead." Take that as you will.

Also: Chameleon care