Music, Sea, Work, Understanding

     Where has my voice gone? Submissively I have disregarded my mind and fingers and only recently have I decided my laziness is constructing a life I don’t desire and almost quite clearly despise. I must admit that at my age I do have a comfortable job, a nice condo to live in, and stable friends that I can trust, but again my restlessness eats me alive. The action of work and living has become a routine, and now my mind needs a new thrill, a motivation, a wanting, but my laziness creeps up and the thought of frustrating myself or not gaining much destroys such thoughts. I have started to teach myself the violin (like four months ago) but my poor interpretation of Mary had a little lamb seems a waist compared to violin masters and their concertos. My drive to learn to sail has been almost shot down by the fear of becoming sea sick or not being sea worthy to tame the wild sea. My enthusiasm of being the Butcher for the Orange County Sheriffs has been under minded by the lack of “props” or respect that I so rightfully deserve, being responsible for the food supply of three jails: I’m an ant in a ant hill.
     Baby steps, that is my problem. Baby steps, when being the “baby” of the family all your life that’s the last thing you want to do, instead I want to accomplish, show those I love that I can, and although the youngest (and still considered the baby) I can pull my weight. Thanks to my hard work and dedication to work and worship to money I was able to reach where I am now, but now I want the next step. The problem is I don’t know what that step is. School was one way to advance, coming closer to a “rewarding” career, but after getting off work the last thing in my mind is studying or doing homework.
     But baby steps is what I have to learn. While writing this blogg I have come to this realization. I am tiring to run when I still haven’t learned to walk. I need to stop dreaming of reaching those little goals that would enrich my life and start taking those steps to improve. Damn those games, damn those women, obstacles that obstruct my mind and continue plaguing my time. My voice is here, always has been, I just need to speak.